Friday, December 25, 2009

Blight Christmas

Holy wintry mix, Batman! Why are Scary Manilow and Curvacia Vavoom outside doing THIS...
kelly snow

rob snow

...when they could be inside doing THIS?

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Holiday Mirth, Program-style

A last-minute blizzard has kept Curvacia and I from fulfilling our familial obligations for the season, but we've somehow managed to make do (hint: the keys to my coping mechanism are at the bottom of a rum bottle)... Thankfully, we have a CUSTOM MADE X-MESS TREE and a BOOTLEG YULE LOG VIDEO to keep us cozy whilst the wintry elements rage outside.

xmess setup

Check out these key-razy Nutcrackers-- Dracula and Frankenstein making a rare off-season appearance!

xmess fire 2

xmess fire

And here is the magic levitating tree that Curvacia assembled for us this year-- absurdly stylish and 100% cat safe! How does she always manage to be the greatest person ever?

xmess tree

My daughter is coming up this weekend to help help us see the rest of the year out... More adventures to follow! Until then, wishing you and yours a very merry-merry!


Monday, December 21, 2009

Vinyl Apocalypse

Four needy orphans that came home with me from the Antique Mall this weekend-- click to enlarge so you can see them in ludicrous detail:

This album SEEMS like a lot of fun-- as evidenced by the FUN AT HOME! tag near the bottom left corner-- but just wait until you throw it on the turntable during your next "Burlesque At Home" party and Inappropriately Nude Hippie Guy inexplicably materializes. Selective use, indeed...

music to strip by (front)

I have yet to play this album myself, but I'm a sucker for raunchy theme albums so I'm sure it won't disappoint. Plus, how can you go wrong with song titles like "C CUP BLUES" and "GIRDLES AWAY"?

music to strip by (back)

The cover of this one needs no explanation-- or does it? At first, it seems to be just another innocent (yet perversely hilarious) instructional guide for BALL HANDLING. But what's this we see at the bottom? An sinister excess of PYNCHONIAN SYMBOLISM.

ball handling

This album is AWESOME, as home belly dance instruction records often are. I love how the cover states RECORDED LIVE, but doesn't actually say WHERE. Judging by the GIANT HAIR on display in these pictures, it was recorded live in my personal fantasy space. I open the floor to discourse.

exotic belly dance (front)

The pictures on the back are priceless. I want to take all of these ladies out to the bar for drinks with my family-- ESPECIALLY the dancer in the top right corner. I love how she just doesn't even care about pretense: "Allegra. Shalimar. Nadira. DOLORES." She almost looks like she's saying, through gritted teeth, "Can we get these pictures over with already? These goddamn beads are cramping my style, and I got a bottle of J&B waiting back at the trailer."

exotic belly dance (back)

It's no secret that Curvacia and I melt for SPICY CUBAN RHYTHMS, HOPPED UP DRAG QUEENS, and SHAG CARPET LIFESTYLES. Here's an album covers that caters to all of those needs. And the music is HOT! As in, rum in your belly and chili peppers in your stool HOT. I could listen to this record every day for the rest of my life, and who knows? I might just do that. Bless you, Mary Cintra, for ending my music-buying year on such a spectacular note.

mary cintra

BONUS: Here's a recent video interview with Mary Cintra that both cracks me up and breaks my heart. We should all have this much class. I wish she lived nearby so we cold hang out and listen to her tell stories all day long.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

All I want for X-mess is...

1. A trip to the Alamo Drafthouse for the special screening of CHRISTMAS EVIL with director Lewis Jackson!

2. A CHIN. Sure, I look a regular joe from the front:
From the front... CHIN!

But when you see me in profile, everything goes to S-H-I-T:
From the side... NO CHIN!  Where did it go?

Seriously-- it's like someone slapped me in the face with a shovel, Loony Tunes-style.Is there an equivalent of a boob job for the male chin? If so, it's a procedure I'd enjoy looking into.

3. The Return of WIZARD VIDEO! My life is much emptier now that the local video store is no longer populated with oversized clamshells of the greatest horror movie art in the history of the form. Observe:

crimson vhs front4
robot holocaust vhs front2
slave girls from beyond infinity wizard vhs ad
dreamaniac vhs front2
headless eyes vhs front
best of sex and violence wizard vhs front
mutant hunt vhs front2

4. FIFTEEN HUNDRED DOLLARS. That's all the money I would need to buy THIS...


...and jump start production on my next movie.


On A Magic Carpet...

Wednesday, December 9, 2009


Scans from old issues of SUPPRESSED and CONFIDENTIAL magazines that I picked up for cheap cheap CHEAP at the antique mall a few weeks back. Any tabloid that has queer celebrity gossip, bootlegging exposes, nudie pics, and ads for handguns, novelty gags, and stag films ALL IN THE SAME ISSUE gets high marks in my book. OBSERVE!

Confidential Magazine
Suppressed Magazine
John Wayne's John
Government Girls
Modern Bootlegging
Strange Desires, Part 1
Strange Desires, Part 2
Men Only!
Nights on the Nile
Blooming Pansies, Part 1
Blooming Pansies, Part 2
8MM Movies on approval!
Teen-Age Terrorists
Sexy Love Triangle
Fashion King

PS. If any of you haven't read the book MR. CONFIDENTIAL yet, now's the time-- I guess it's being turned into a musical!

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Look What The Stork Dropped Off!

A mystery package arrived today! Let's see what's inside...

Look what came in the mail today!

The record press jerked us around, it took us three years to put together, and the labels look like they were printed on an '85-era dot matrix. But it sounds awesome! And it's so RED!

Ladies and germs, presenting SH001: TEENAGE MANIAC b/w NIGHT OF THE QUEERWOLF! It's been a long time coming.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Paul Naschy, RIP

NOOOOO! And now Paul Naschy is gone. Will this YEAR OF DEATH™ ever end?