Saturday, May 29, 2010

The American Friend (1977)

My absolute favorite Dennis Hopper film, probably the best of the Ripley adaptations, and one of Wim Wender's top three efforts. Dodge City is burning tonight, my friends.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Running With The Devil

One of the most endearing things about headset phones is their ability to transform the average passerby into a gibbering, post-schizoid comedy act. Take for example the jogger I passed on my way to the car wash yesterday... At first, I mistook her for just another athletically-clad, wandering psychopath, the type we usually find wandering near the campus of a major state university. Then I spied the telltale cords dangling from her ears and the awful truth was revealed... This was no mere battle with personal demons; it was nothing more than a typical phone conversation gone horribly wrong. How yawn-worthy. How pedestrian.

Still, having just spent the better part of three days reformatting my hard drive, I like to think she was screaming at some smug Microsoft tech-support geek. Go get 'em, tigress!!!

Anyhoo-- music for your midweek enjoyment:

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

You gotta GET IN to GET OUT!

Quick! Someone loan me 1.5 million bucks-- THE AMITYVILLE HORROR HOUSE is for sale!!!!

Do me this one favor, and I promise to invite all of you over for a big slumber party-- just us Spook Lights, you friends, a family of irate ghouls, and JODY the fucking PIG.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Two Wheels Part Two

An addendum to my previous post about Bicycle Month:

Two Wheels and an Attitude

I recently purchased a car after going nearly ten years without one. Being the flashy motherfucker that I am, I droped a grand on a '92 Oldsmobile 88 Royale-- something I can feel good about rolling my peeps to bingo in. Burgundy exterior, burgundy interior, pre-filled ashcan, in-dash cassette player... all my needs are met. So, of course, the fucking thing is already in the shop.

As you may or may not know, I have a pretty stellar frankenbike (mentioned in passing all the way back HERE) which currently occupies several spots on the floor of our garage. This would be as good a time as any to reassemble those shameful pieces into a functional whole-- I can seize this opportunity to start riding again, to try and do something about this CAR GUT I've so recently acquired (seriously, now that I don't drink anymore, driving a car is the only excuse I have for carrying a spare tire). And, what with May being NATIONAL BIKE MONTH at all, fixing my bicycle feels like a CIVIC DUTY... who am I to swim against the moral tide?

The first recorded auto accident involved a car hitting a cyclist, which also occured in May-- having been clobbered by a few autos whilst riding in the past, I'd just like to pass on a little advice: WATCH OUT FOR CARS. MOST DRIVERS ARE IDIOTS AND THEY WILL NOT SEE YOU. If this advice fails you and you somehow walk away, HIRE A GOOD LAWYER and SUE, SUE, SUE. It's the American thing to do, after all.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Allow Me to Ruin Your Weekend

Thank you, CHRISTIAN NIGHTMARES, for alerting the world to this video. Thans to you, Joe Horn will never fingertap in vain!

PS: If the video isn't pants-pissingly funny enough, the attached comments are a comedy GOLDMINE. Please tell me this is all some kind of brilliant joke on the world- because if these people are REAL, and sharing the same OXYGEN as me, then I'm ready to check out at any time.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

See My Thong, Bitches

I came across this flier last week and meant to post it IMMEDIATELY, but the past few days have really gotten on top of me and I put it off until now. It might be the most shining example of effete collegiate white-ness I've seen in a long time. Seriously, if ONE drunken, late-night mooning stirs you to author such high-minded nonsense, at least make an attempt to use proper punctuation and capitalization... unless, of course, e.e. cummings wrote this letter, in which case all is forgiven.

PS: "You need to read a book about how to look hot" is my new go-to insult for the remainder of 2010.


"this is addressed to one individual, then two groups of people:

-the woman who directed the statement, "you wanna see my thong, bitches?" at my sister and i on friday, may 7th at 1:31 am on the sidewalk of mass. street.

-the group of four-five women with her (cohorts).

-the general public

i hope this small effort makes it obvious how serious i'm considering the confrontation between myself and the director of that hideous statement. she did hike her dress in the next moment, showing me her explicit choice in undergarments. the rest of the situation was my shower of words, expressing the need for her to go home and read a book, then her rebuttal of, "you're ugly. you need to go read a book about how to look hot."

this is no time for us- first as people, second as americans- to be parading around our consumptive, idiot nature. you are entitled to fun, but you aren't entitled to misuse your drunken joy: by directing the word 'bitches' at women who haven't earned an insult, by baring your bottom, or by making yourself translucent with your rebuttal. your mind simply should not allow it. i've educated myself since graduating high school: i've managed to assimilate the facts of the world into my lifestyle. my plea is this: if you know anyone who would behave so, rip down this paper and show it to them. they've made an enemy."

Wednesday, May 5, 2010


Tomorrow is National Masturbation Day. To get ready for the big event, here's a couple of helpful videos to PRIME THE PUMP.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Amateur Hour


"Do you have any specials tonight?"

"Yeah, it's two dollar wells."

"Really? Okay. I'll take one of those, please."

"Okay, so what do you want?"

"A well. One well."

"Um... What KIND of well? We've got vodka, bourbon, gin, etc."

"Oh, I didn't know what you mean. Do you have a well beer?"

"Our cheapest beer is Hamm's. You want a Hamm's?"

"Uh, what in the world is a HAM?"

"Hamm's? It's just a cheap beer in a can."

"In a CAN? Oh my gawd. That-sounds-REVOLTING! Can you make me a Limeade Martini?"

"A limeade martini?"

"Yeah, you know... a LIMEADE MARTINI."

"I have a lime. I have martini fixings. You mean, like a gimlet?"

"Oh, never mind. Just give me the fucking HAM."

"One Hamm's coming up..."

"Oh my gawd. What the hell is this we're watching? It looks horrible."

"This movie? It's called C.H.U.D. I brought it from home."

"C.H.U.D? What in the world is a C.H.U.D?"

"A Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dweller."

"Do you LIKE this kind of movie or are you just trying to be funny?"

"A little of both... That'll be one-seventy-five for the beer."

"Okay, hang on-- do you have change for two dollars?"